If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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