Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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