god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
