I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
