i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
