I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
