So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
