meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
