I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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