Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
