i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
