i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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