Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize