worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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