You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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