is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
