By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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