john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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