in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
