So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
