Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
