Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
