Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
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i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
i've created a new STD.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
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Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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