I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
