im holly from the hills drunk
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
