remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
