recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
