Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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