Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
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Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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