i just wanna soil my oats bro
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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