turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
