She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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