his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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