I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
well most of my day revolves around power hour
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
