So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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