even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
