I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
