Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
