Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
