I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
