I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize