shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
from now on my penis is your penis
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
