Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
