Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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