The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
