he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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