I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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