Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
