i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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