I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Randomize
