Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
