and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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