He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
