I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
