im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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