I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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