Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
