then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
