this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
