I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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