Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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