it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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