Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You ate ashes out of my bong
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
